Am I Asking for Too Much?

After each new failed relationship I begin to wonder if I am just asking for too much from men. To me the things I want seem so simple but yet to the men I date they are so unattainable. A basic breakdown of my list is as follows:

  1. Be faithful. Such a simple concept right? If you are with me, you are only with me. The same way I am expected to not be overly flirty, develop feelings for or have sex with someone else. . I expect these things as well. My ex-husband was confused on the rules. I guess when life gets hard he thought it was a pass to get a girlfriend. Not in my book Mr!
  2. Ability to prioritize. . . and prioritize me! The dictionary says prioritize means to “designate or treat (something or someone) as more important than other things.” I do not have to be on the top of the list but can I at least make it on the list?? I gave a lot in my last relationship and was all in, putting him high on my list and I did not fit on his list at all. His list contained things such as the local bar, friends, other girls, the local bar, roommates, previous partners who are no longer around (this was a big one!) and did I mention the local bar? I was probably the very last thing on his mind at any given time. Am I the only one who thinks this is not ok?
  3. Have a good work ethic and be financially responsible. . . I can do it, so why is it so hard for the male population? I don’t need someone who is a CEO or has a college degree. I need someone who gets their ass out of bed every day, even when they don’t want to and goes to work. Who does their job when they are there and gets a stable paycheck every week. Then takes that paycheck and pays all of their bills before they waste the rest of the money. . . . rocket science? Not to me. However, out of all the guys I have met this has been the one they all can’t do.
  4. Acceptance – “recognizing a process or condition without attempting to change it or protest it “. Unlike an asshole I have dated in the past, this will include accepting that my daughter has special needs and is still amazing, that she will always be a priority for me, that my body is not that of a 25 year old playboy model, that my shyness is not something to be ashamed of, or that the way I fold the damn towels does not change their ability to dry you off! (please!). After all I had to accept the fact that he was obnoxious when drunk, had a child who needed nonstop attention and was so old he had to nap everyday!
  5. Be able to have a partnership. This is a big one. I do not want to raise another child so if I am making your meals and cleaning up after you and solving your problems that is fine, but I will then need you to be there for me when I have a problem too and do some of the manly things around the house. On the flip side, I do not want to ask permission to see my friends or spend a dollar, I don’t need any more parental figures. I just need a life partner to work through things together.

So there is my list. Basically I just want a man who goes to work everyday, thinks about me and makes me feel important to him, comes home to me and doesn’t fool around and accepts me the same way I will accept him while working with me to make our life better.  Is that really a fairy tale these days??  

What is in the Bottle (written during my marriage to an alcoholic)

What is in that bottle over there?

To the average eye the bottle on the counter is just wine, vodka, whiskey, whatever the pick of poison is today.

To you, the alcoholic, the shell of a person I married, it is a way to relax and to forget about the stresses you feel.  It is a way to become a happy social person.  A way to like yourself.  It is a way to get some sleep or get out of doing a chore. You see it liquid courage, a party, an escape. All of your happiness is in that bottle. Everything you care about. What you think about from sun up to sun down is all right there in that little bottle.

To me, the spouse of a person addicted, I see it as a bottle of my hopes and dreams being quickly sucked down your esophagus. A bottle full of lies and broken promises. It is filled with conversations that we will have tonight, that you will never remember. It has a few hospital bills in it from when you get so intoxicated that you fall down or need medical attention. It has A LOT of money in it. Money that could have gone towards our child, a home, a vacation, memories that do not involve alcohol. In that bottle I see all the poor decisions you have made. The affairs and nights you didn’t come home. I see the jobs you have lost because an eight hour day is just too long to go without a drink. I see the arguments that got escalated to a violent rage. The holes in the walls, the holes in your relationships, in your life. After dealing with this for years, that bottle could easily fill up with my tears.

I often wonder . . . how can two people see the contents of one bottle so differently? Tomorrow it will be a different bottle, but until you get help, the contents will always remain the same.